Happy Holidays! Bloody scans.....

Once again I’m writing this on a plane. Listening to Paul Oakenfold and approaching William Lake in Canada according to the interactive flight map. Its Sunday and I’m en-route to Palo Alto, California where we have an office.

The airport was full of holiday makers which isn’t unreasonable given it’s August! Very randomly one of my best friends was also in the airport at the same time but sadly I had just got the transit to my gate when I got the call to say she was there. Another time maybe Claire!

I have to admit, I was a little deflated following the previous scan. I know I shouldn’t have been given the news could have been much, much worse, but my head was in a different place. This has happened to me before (when I had my first lumpectomy and was then told they didn’t have clear margins), so I should have learnt my lesson then and realised that life is never that simple. But you see, the thing is, I thought that was to be my last scan if things hadn’t changed. The lung nodules that have been causing an issue since diagnosis would be finally consigned to the “indeterminate” pile of weird and wonderful human bodies never to bother me again.  Not so. Whilst the scan hadn’t changed, my consultant still wouldn’t confirm that this meant that they weren’t metastatic spread of my (hopefully now all gone) cancer. He wants to do another scan in 6 month’s time. I know this doesn’t seem too bad (and the reality is it isn’t), but in my head all of the scans were behind me. I’m slowly coming to terms with it, but it isn’t easy.

In other news, we have had a lovely family holiday in Kos in Greece. Fly and flop, all inclusive, easy, job done! OK, so it wasn’t the Maldives, but we have a house renovation/extension to pay for. Planning permission has gone in and we now await the result. It will be a while. We remain quietly optimistic on the basis of the pre-planning application but as I know from all of this nothing in life is certain.

Cancer wise, life is definitely moving on. Most days I don’t think about it and it is now (finally) no longer the first topic that is on any conversation. I’m grateful for this. Really I am. However, the anxiety that goes with cancer is still bubbling along under the surface and every so often bubbles over, often at the weirdest of times. Milestone days have always been a challenge for me and whilst they are getting easier, sometimes the pain and unfairness is acute and hits be around the face like a wet Wednesday. It’s difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t been through this. It’s a bit of hating the unfairness of it all, feeling a loss for your old life, feeling (unfairly) jealous of those who continue as normal and scared/uncertain about the future, or even if you have a future. The latest time was Briony’s 9^th Birthday. I was fine for most of the day, but then it hit me in the evening. A saying from Kung Fu Panda (deep I know!) may help here “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, the present is now and that is why it is called the present”. Mindfulness has nothing on Kung Fu Panda!

I’m now almost half-way through my neratinib course and continue to beat the odds and do well. The only slight issue is that my neutrophils are hovering around the point where we might need to think about stopping or reducing the dose (don’t worry pharmacist friends it has already been reported). There isn’t really much that can be done about this. The fact remains that my poor immune system (of which the neutrophils are the first line of defence) is still pretty battered from the effects of chemo. Apparently it can take up to 2 years to fully recover. Hopefully it will hold out as otherwise I am feeling really well. The only slight issue is that I continue to gain weight and am now heavier than when I started chemo. Having said that I’ve been training quite a bit so think (or am convincing myself) that I am now more lean muscle than I was previously! I’m sure that all the trips to the US aren’t particularly helping.

Another milestone – I am now seeing my Oncologist every other month rather than every month. It may seem like a little thing, but it is another step back to normal. I see the gynaecologist at the end of the month to begin the process of ovary removal. I can’t wait! My injection to shut down my ovaries was due earlier this month and it was a royal pain in the arse (or stomach, literally) from beginning to end. First there was a supply problem on the medicine, which meant calling several pharmacies to actually try and get hold of it. I then turned up for my injection at the practice (first time at my new practice), waited 40 minutes, only to be told that the nurse I had been booked in with couldn’t give this particular injection (it’s tricky, so it tends to be only the more senior staff that can give it). This despite the fact I had been very specific with the reception staff when I booked in about what it was for and asked them to check that who I had been booked in with could actually give it. They rebooked me for the next day, but this did mean yet another disrupted day of work. I have to say that with all these appointments if you don’t have an understanding employer it would be nigh on impossible to return to work. I am very lucky in this respect and don’t take it for granted.

My hair is now at the point where it finally looks like short hair is a choice rather than a necessity. I have been frustrated by how bloody slowly it seems to have been growing, not helped by people on the private group on Facebook I am part of all seeming to have hair that grows at approximately 100 times the rate of mine! I kid you not, there are people who finished chemo 4 months ago who seem to have hair the same length as mine and I am now a good year post-chemo (last one was in April last year).

Some of you may know that I am an ambassador for Breast Cancer UK. They have had a re-vamp of their programme and now have just 12 ambassadors across the UK so we all had to reapply. I’m delighted that I was selected and so have another training day coming up – on our wedding anniversary of all days!