The end of summer.....
...and what a summer it has been!
I've had an amazing time, notwithstanding the circumstances. There are many positive things to cancer and making sure that I've had a fab time with Briony and Stephen has been shifted to a new priority (#1) on the agenda. So thank you cancer for making me a better person and for helping me realise just what is important in life.
We had a great Bank Holiday weekend and spent a lovely afternoon at Black Park on the Go Ape nets. This involved running around like an absolute loonie on cargo nets suspending around 4-5m above the ground. Briony, Stephen and I all went on them and had a great time. Poor Stephen did have to tell me at one point that my prosthesis had moved! These are not problems we are used to, but we both saw the funny side!
The last couple of weeks have been spent in a frenzy of visiting relatives before the summer ends. We have done a tour of duty of Suffolk, Norfolk, Cambridgeshire and Dorset. I've held up relatively well, although driving still does take it out of me a bit. Interspersed with that have been dinners out with friends. It's been lovely seeing everyone. However, I'm hugely conscious that we owe return dinner dates to many of you - we will get round to it I promise! Expect COOK to be rolled out at every opportunity as life is too short.......
So for the last weekend of summer we will be going to Ibiza Classic at Hatfield House with our good friends Claire and Richard. This time last year we were in Ibiza (for real) with them. Claire and I have reminisced how it feels like a lifetime ago. It felt like the last summer of innocence and I can't believe how much has happened in the last year. Reflecting back, I do think there was a significant event that I ignored with hindsight that I shouldn't have done. I will share in the hope that perhaps it raises awareness of what not to ignore......
When we were away in Ibiza, I noticed that my breasts (particularly my left breast which is the offending side) were very sore and hard. At the same time, my sense of smell was all over the place. I mistakenly thought that I might be pregnant and duly traipsed off to the chemist to buy a pregnancy test (negative obviously). On return I promptly forgot about it until a little over a month later when I found the ulcer on my breast that eventually led to my diagnosis. However, looking back, I should have gone to the doctor on my return and not left it. Ladies, if you have anything you are not sure about, then please do book that appointment. Better safe than sorry and the doctors at both the GP and hospital were all fine and also felt that better safe than sorry was a good place to be.
About the same time last year, I decided that there are some literary classics that I should have read by my time of life. I decided to go in hard with "Gone with the wind". I've reported in an earlier blog that it hasn't been an easy read. However, I'm delighted to report that I have now (almost a year later) finally finished it! I wouldn't recommend it to be honest - life is too short!
In other news, I had my first haircut this week! Thank you the wonderful Lucy. Briony also had her return to school haircut. We are now 5 months out from the end of chemo and Stephen did comment on holiday that my hair looked like a microphone underwater so it was high time. In the coming months I will be working through the difficult growing out phase, so please bear with me! I have noticed that the back in particular seems prone to curling, which is apparently fairly common post chemo. That said, it's still a blessing to actually have hair and not look like an obvious cancer patient anymore. Of note, the wigs have been put away in the wardrobe as they are now uncomfortable to wear over my actual hair. I'm hoping that in the not too distant future they will be consigned to Briony's dressing up box! Finger's crossed.......
Today was another treatment day. It was #13 of 18. This assumes that it isn't in my lungs, as otherwise treatment will be ongoing until I can no longer tolerate it, or I become resistant and the cancer spreads. I don't mind treatment days as I view them as keeping me healthy/stopping reoccurence, depending on whether my head is in the place of it being in my lungs/not in my lungs. Inspired by others (see below) I decided to run to treatment today, a distance of around 6 miles. It wasn't easy, living in the Chilterns it is naturally hilly, but it was a sense of achievement to actually make it. I even arrived early, having allowed too much time. The lovely chemo nurses were forthright in their scathing abuse of my lycra and also my bloody mindedness of actually running to treatment. I'm pleased to say that my obs (observations - blood pressure, oxygen saturation and pulse) were awesome even after the run at 92/66 (bp) 99% (oxygen sats) and pulse of 78. Not much wrong with me apart from cancer! I didn't run home. Stephen picked me up and we went for an indulgent coffee and cake to make up for the exertions on the way there.
I've been exercising pretty much every day and have been really enjoying it. I'm not fast and I'm not doing it to loose weight, or out of some kind of vanity. I'm happy to admit that for the first time in my life I'm doing it because mentally, it makes me feel better. There is also some evidence to show that cancer patients who exercise do better than those who don't. I'll take that........I've also managed not to fall off the back of the treadmill in the last 3 weeks and my scar from doing this last time is healing nicely!
I've finished my CBT course now and it has really helped. I still have low days, but can acknowledge these for just what they are. Importantly, I don't feel guilty for feeling this way any more. I accept it for what it is - a bad day. If I didn't have these days it would be more of a worry as then I would be living in denial. It's all part and parcel of dealing with it in a healthy way. At the moment I've chosen to delay the face to face counselling. I don't feel it will help to dredge up the whole sorry episode again. That may change in the future, but for now that's my decision.
Despite the support of my lovely friends and family I have been feeling a little isolated as we move from one phase of treatment to the next. This has been helped enormously by finding an online community of like-minded people. There are numerous forums out there, some helpful, others less so, although obviously this is completely personal and I absolutely acknowledge that. Everyone is entitled to deal with it in their own way and my way is no more or less right or wrong than the next persons. Its just my way. Personally, I cannot abide negativity and what I view as moaning in this position as I feel it will drag my mental state down, so I choose to avoid forums where I feel this attitude is present. That said, it does really piss me off when people tell me to stay positive. It's not natural to stay positive continually in the face of all of this - to do so would be living in denial which again isn't healthy. However, it is easy to spiral online in these situations and I prefer to isolate myself when feeling down/negative. Realism and pragmatism for me are key. With this in mind, I have completely identified with a podcast I have found on radio 5 live. Its called "You me and the big C". It's presented by 3 inspirational women who recognised that a lot of the support is aimed at women at least 20 years older than me. It's presented by Racheal Bland (stage 4, now terminal triple negative breast cancer), Lauren Mahon (early stage her2+ breast cancer, clear for around 6 months) and Deborah James (stage 4 bowel cancer). All are late 30s/early 40s. I highly recommend the podcasts which cover every subject and blast all taboos completely out of the water. They are raw, honest, funny, sad and I completely identify with them. The most recent one was on death (actually very funny ironically and talking about how death is just a natural part of life). I listened to the one on dating post breast cancer whilst running to my treatment and did have to stop at one point as I was laughing so much. Here is the link.....vital listening for those with cancer and those supporting them (all the things we want to talk about but don't dare).
You, me, big C
One of the harsh realities of my situation is that we have had to take a long hard look at our financial position. With this in mind, we will be putting our house on the market in the next few weeks. Obviously I hope nothing happens to me, but our priorities have shifted and I want to be sure that if the worst does come to the worst that Stephen and Briony are in a stable position without any further disruption. I love our house, but am at ease with this decision. It's just bricks and mortar. Watch this space for where we end up next. We want somewhere that we can manage on 1 salary and also where we can keep Briony in the same school to minimise disruption. With this in mind, Stephen has also changed his car which will buy us a few extra months. Again, these are things that just a short while ago we would never have considered, but there you go. Funny how things change.
Currently I'm signed off sick until the end of September. The time feels right to now start to think about a return to the world of work. I'm not quite there yet, but its definitely approaching. Chemo brain is now departing and the fatigue fog it slowly lifting as well. I feel its time I made a meaningful contribution to society again. Exactly what and when will soon be revealed.
Its now 3 and a half short weeks until the Shine walk. I'm delighted to say that I have raised a significant sum of money in sponsorship, to the point where I do feel I have to start and finish! I've been overwhelmed, so thank you. I hope that I can make a small difference......I've had some news today that makes me even more determined, but more on this later.
xx
I've had an amazing time, notwithstanding the circumstances. There are many positive things to cancer and making sure that I've had a fab time with Briony and Stephen has been shifted to a new priority (#1) on the agenda. So thank you cancer for making me a better person and for helping me realise just what is important in life.
We had a great Bank Holiday weekend and spent a lovely afternoon at Black Park on the Go Ape nets. This involved running around like an absolute loonie on cargo nets suspending around 4-5m above the ground. Briony, Stephen and I all went on them and had a great time. Poor Stephen did have to tell me at one point that my prosthesis had moved! These are not problems we are used to, but we both saw the funny side!
The last couple of weeks have been spent in a frenzy of visiting relatives before the summer ends. We have done a tour of duty of Suffolk, Norfolk, Cambridgeshire and Dorset. I've held up relatively well, although driving still does take it out of me a bit. Interspersed with that have been dinners out with friends. It's been lovely seeing everyone. However, I'm hugely conscious that we owe return dinner dates to many of you - we will get round to it I promise! Expect COOK to be rolled out at every opportunity as life is too short.......
So for the last weekend of summer we will be going to Ibiza Classic at Hatfield House with our good friends Claire and Richard. This time last year we were in Ibiza (for real) with them. Claire and I have reminisced how it feels like a lifetime ago. It felt like the last summer of innocence and I can't believe how much has happened in the last year. Reflecting back, I do think there was a significant event that I ignored with hindsight that I shouldn't have done. I will share in the hope that perhaps it raises awareness of what not to ignore......
When we were away in Ibiza, I noticed that my breasts (particularly my left breast which is the offending side) were very sore and hard. At the same time, my sense of smell was all over the place. I mistakenly thought that I might be pregnant and duly traipsed off to the chemist to buy a pregnancy test (negative obviously). On return I promptly forgot about it until a little over a month later when I found the ulcer on my breast that eventually led to my diagnosis. However, looking back, I should have gone to the doctor on my return and not left it. Ladies, if you have anything you are not sure about, then please do book that appointment. Better safe than sorry and the doctors at both the GP and hospital were all fine and also felt that better safe than sorry was a good place to be.
About the same time last year, I decided that there are some literary classics that I should have read by my time of life. I decided to go in hard with "Gone with the wind". I've reported in an earlier blog that it hasn't been an easy read. However, I'm delighted to report that I have now (almost a year later) finally finished it! I wouldn't recommend it to be honest - life is too short!
In other news, I had my first haircut this week! Thank you the wonderful Lucy. Briony also had her return to school haircut. We are now 5 months out from the end of chemo and Stephen did comment on holiday that my hair looked like a microphone underwater so it was high time. In the coming months I will be working through the difficult growing out phase, so please bear with me! I have noticed that the back in particular seems prone to curling, which is apparently fairly common post chemo. That said, it's still a blessing to actually have hair and not look like an obvious cancer patient anymore. Of note, the wigs have been put away in the wardrobe as they are now uncomfortable to wear over my actual hair. I'm hoping that in the not too distant future they will be consigned to Briony's dressing up box! Finger's crossed.......
Today was another treatment day. It was #13 of 18. This assumes that it isn't in my lungs, as otherwise treatment will be ongoing until I can no longer tolerate it, or I become resistant and the cancer spreads. I don't mind treatment days as I view them as keeping me healthy/stopping reoccurence, depending on whether my head is in the place of it being in my lungs/not in my lungs. Inspired by others (see below) I decided to run to treatment today, a distance of around 6 miles. It wasn't easy, living in the Chilterns it is naturally hilly, but it was a sense of achievement to actually make it. I even arrived early, having allowed too much time. The lovely chemo nurses were forthright in their scathing abuse of my lycra and also my bloody mindedness of actually running to treatment. I'm pleased to say that my obs (observations - blood pressure, oxygen saturation and pulse) were awesome even after the run at 92/66 (bp) 99% (oxygen sats) and pulse of 78. Not much wrong with me apart from cancer! I didn't run home. Stephen picked me up and we went for an indulgent coffee and cake to make up for the exertions on the way there.
I've finished my CBT course now and it has really helped. I still have low days, but can acknowledge these for just what they are. Importantly, I don't feel guilty for feeling this way any more. I accept it for what it is - a bad day. If I didn't have these days it would be more of a worry as then I would be living in denial. It's all part and parcel of dealing with it in a healthy way. At the moment I've chosen to delay the face to face counselling. I don't feel it will help to dredge up the whole sorry episode again. That may change in the future, but for now that's my decision.
Despite the support of my lovely friends and family I have been feeling a little isolated as we move from one phase of treatment to the next. This has been helped enormously by finding an online community of like-minded people. There are numerous forums out there, some helpful, others less so, although obviously this is completely personal and I absolutely acknowledge that. Everyone is entitled to deal with it in their own way and my way is no more or less right or wrong than the next persons. Its just my way. Personally, I cannot abide negativity and what I view as moaning in this position as I feel it will drag my mental state down, so I choose to avoid forums where I feel this attitude is present. That said, it does really piss me off when people tell me to stay positive. It's not natural to stay positive continually in the face of all of this - to do so would be living in denial which again isn't healthy. However, it is easy to spiral online in these situations and I prefer to isolate myself when feeling down/negative. Realism and pragmatism for me are key. With this in mind, I have completely identified with a podcast I have found on radio 5 live. Its called "You me and the big C". It's presented by 3 inspirational women who recognised that a lot of the support is aimed at women at least 20 years older than me. It's presented by Racheal Bland (stage 4, now terminal triple negative breast cancer), Lauren Mahon (early stage her2+ breast cancer, clear for around 6 months) and Deborah James (stage 4 bowel cancer). All are late 30s/early 40s. I highly recommend the podcasts which cover every subject and blast all taboos completely out of the water. They are raw, honest, funny, sad and I completely identify with them. The most recent one was on death (actually very funny ironically and talking about how death is just a natural part of life). I listened to the one on dating post breast cancer whilst running to my treatment and did have to stop at one point as I was laughing so much. Here is the link.....vital listening for those with cancer and those supporting them (all the things we want to talk about but don't dare).
You, me, big C
One of the harsh realities of my situation is that we have had to take a long hard look at our financial position. With this in mind, we will be putting our house on the market in the next few weeks. Obviously I hope nothing happens to me, but our priorities have shifted and I want to be sure that if the worst does come to the worst that Stephen and Briony are in a stable position without any further disruption. I love our house, but am at ease with this decision. It's just bricks and mortar. Watch this space for where we end up next. We want somewhere that we can manage on 1 salary and also where we can keep Briony in the same school to minimise disruption. With this in mind, Stephen has also changed his car which will buy us a few extra months. Again, these are things that just a short while ago we would never have considered, but there you go. Funny how things change.
Currently I'm signed off sick until the end of September. The time feels right to now start to think about a return to the world of work. I'm not quite there yet, but its definitely approaching. Chemo brain is now departing and the fatigue fog it slowly lifting as well. I feel its time I made a meaningful contribution to society again. Exactly what and when will soon be revealed.
Its now 3 and a half short weeks until the Shine walk. I'm delighted to say that I have raised a significant sum of money in sponsorship, to the point where I do feel I have to start and finish! I've been overwhelmed, so thank you. I hope that I can make a small difference......I've had some news today that makes me even more determined, but more on this later.
xx
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