Bognor AND bust.....

 The holiday was everything we thought it would be and more! We had such an amazing time and it couldn't have come at a better time for us as a family. For the first time since I was diagnosed I was able to actually forget about it properly and enjoy myself with Stephen and Briony.

Unexpectedly, I was also able to dive. We asked the consultant about it at my last appointment just before we went and he said that we saw no reason why not, as I am having regular heart scans in any case and that is far more than most people diving have. So, dive I did. although I have to say that I was somewhat nervous. Nervous because we haven't dived in 3 years, but also nervous on whether my body would hold up. One of the lesser side effects of the cancer I have found is that I have lost confidence in some things and diving is one of them. There is no logical reason to this, but there you go!

We did 8 amazing dives. If ever there was an activity that embodies mindfulness and being present it is scuba diving and I found it incredibly calming and soothing. Once again, I was filled with the joy and privilege of just being alive and seeing some incredible animals and being at one with nature.

I have done over 200 dives and one of the animals which have always eluded me are manta rays. These are enormous sting-rays with a wingspan of around 3m. They are relatively common in the Maldives, but despite the fact I have been 4 times previously and dived every time, I haven't seen one. So imagine my sheer delight when we managed to snorkel with one for about 20 minutes. I can honestly say that it was one of the best experiences in my life and definitely one that is now ticked off my bucket list. Note below the very rare giraffe fish (a joke between the dive guide and us)!

Another special moment was seeing dolphins when we were actually on a dive. They were about 5m away from us and we could hear them before we saw them (although Stephen thought it was his sinuses playing up)! Then, all of sudden they were there, around 6-8 of them, hanging vertically in the water just looking at us! Then they were off, although their curiosity obviously got the better of them as they returned and did the same thing a little later in the dive.

Briony also had a fabulous time. The kids club was great (a necessity whilst Stephen and I were off diving) and she did loads of activities. Chess, banana boat, henna tattoos, balloon animals, cup-cake decorating, coconut painting, shell necklace, the list goes on! No wonder she didn't want to come back a couple of times when we went to collect her. She had turned into an absolute water baby and wanted to go snorkeling at every opportunity, which we indulged. Towards the end of the week we also asked if she wanted to go on a trial scuba dive, which you can do from the age of 8. She jumped at the opportunity. We watched her kit-up and get into the water (walked from the beach). I wandered back to the club house to get my camera so I could take a couple of pictures and by the time I got back there was just a stream of bubbles! They don't go very deep, only about 3m, but I guess when you're only 1.2m tall it seems quite deep. She was down for about 40 minutes and came back absolutely full of it, which was lovely and very special. No more cheap holidays for us!

I was slightly blind-sided and a little sad when it hit me that this was a milestone moment - a first that I have seen. I wasn't expecting it at all as I had barely thought about cancer all the time we had been there, but then it hit, the familiar fear that I may not get to see all her milestone moments. I have to get used to these feelings, but sometimes struggle, especially when they hit me unexpectedly. However, the CBT has helped hugely. I'm now at the end of this and start face to face counselling shortly. I have to say that I think both should be part of an integrated care package for all cancer patients. Maybe a campaign for when I am a breast care ambassador?

So we left with some amazing family memories, which was exactly the aim. Special moments for me were Briony scuba diving, the manta ray, being back in the water diving with Stephen, watching Briony's face as the seaplane took off and walking to the beach in the tranquility of the early morning. All of those will stay with me a lifetime.

I had the opportunity to reflect a lot whilst I was away. A couple of things struck me. Firstly that coping with cancer is a choice. Different people cope in different ways and all of that is fine. Every day though, I have a choice on how I cope, or even if I cope. Up until now, I have been focusing on the things that cancer will mean I can't do again, for instance diving. I kind of focused on it in an either/or way, in that one can't coexist with the other. "If I have cancer, I can't dive/ski/go abroad/wear a bikini (replace with whatever you wish). What I have now realised is that at this point there is very little I can't do because of cancer. In fact as I sit here, I can't think of one single thing. It's just that I choose to think that I can't do it. I need to focus on all the things that I can do. I appreciate it may not always be this way if my disease progresses/reoccurs so don't want to upset people for whom life is limited, but at the moment, that is not my lot in life unless I choose to make it so. Another example is the title of my blog, Bognor or Bust. Perhaps it should be Bognor AND Bust as I have proved that you can do both. Having said that perhaps Bognor and 1 bust?!

On the treatment side, there is relatively little to update on. I will now not be scanned until end of October/beginning of November and will not see the Consultant Oncologist until late October unless there is anything that concerns me. I will see the Consultant Surgeon on the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis for repeat mammograms/ultrasound. This will happen annually as I will now be part of a screening programme.

Enough of the deep and meaningful stuff. To prove that some things will never change I had a small incident the other day. I've been managing to run pretty much every day, sometimes outside and sometimes on the treadmill. And yes, this did include when I was in the Maldives. I was quite proud of myself actually. I have however excelled myself at proving that I am sometimes still a complete and utter idiot. I was running in our little gym a little earlier in the week and was a bit warm, so hopped off the treadmill to open the doors to let a little air in to cool me down. My mind was completely elsewhere and before I had even thought about it I had stepped on the back of the running treadmill. Of course, it threw me off the back in spectacular fashion and the belt kept running against my knee. I have a fairly horrific burn on my knee cap as a mark of my idiocy. To my credit, I did get back on the treadmill and keep running as I knew once the pain kicked in I wouldn't stand a chance!

I've also been walking a fair bit as I have signed up a while ago for the Shine Night walk on the 22nd September in London. I'm sure I don't need to tell you what cause this will be for. I honestly wasn't sure that I would be able to do it as I signed up not long after diagnosis, so I'm delighted that I will be able to (hopefully!) complete this. I've been on my own marathon walk the last few months and now its time to support those who unfortunately will have to walk this path in the future. Please support generously.......

Emma's fundraising page

xxx