Happy Birthday....its time to heal the mind...
I've said before, milestone days are sometimes the most difficult. Today is my Birthday. Thank you everyone for the myriad of best wishes, cards, flowers and presents. All have been gratefully received!
As my birthday has sadly fallen on a Monday the celebrations have been relatively low key. Yesterday however, Stephen took me for a birthday meal at The Ivy in Marlow. We had a lovely time, Briony's table manners put me to shame and I can assure you that hibiscus gin and prosecco is a combination that everyone should try at least once in their lives. I'm starting to feel a lot more comfortable with my skinhead look and as we are now in full on summer have pretty much ditched the wigs. It's very liberating and is my way of starting to try and move on a little. I've convinced myself that I am some kind of pop star with a daring hair style. I certainly would never have chosen it, but there is something to be said for trying something crazy every so often. I'm almost beginning to like it and think it is quite cool and hip. Don't shatter my illusion!
I also had a follow-up with my gastro consultant. Nothing much to report there, except that the latest blood test absolutely confirmed without a shadow of a doubt that it is Coeliac disease. For the test I had done the reference range was 0-10. Mine came back at 137. I did make a flippant comment that at least if I want to loose weight quickly I know how to do it. He didn't find it that funny and I received a stern telling off! Duly noted......
I'm starting to feel pretty good and really feel like I have turned a corner. I ran yesterday and today, albeit slowly and I'm finding the complimentary therapies really useful. Tomorrow I have reflexology.
So now feels like the right time to begin to change the focus from my physical healing to my mental healing. This is often a taboo subject, for reasons that I have to admit have always escaped me, hence why I feel it is important to write about it. Those of you who know me well know that I worked in the area of mental health for a couple of years and I firmly believe it is something we should all talk about a lot more. Ultimately, it's OK (and completely normal) to admit that you are not OK and sometimes need support. Our world is a complex and challenging one at times, let alone when dealing with something like this. My mental health has been pushed to the back of the queue for a while now, and as I start to hit the end of the acute treatment phase it is something that I acknowledge I have neglected, really because I simply haven't had the bandwidth to cope with it. I'll be honest, the mental side of all of this is far more difficult (for me) to come to terms with than the physical effects, which I know will disappear with time. But how do you live with not knowing if you are going to see your daughter grow up? Cancer messes with your head in so many different ways and to not acknowledge these would be to live in denial, which isn't healthy. Another pet hate is people telling me to "stay positive". Whilst well intentioned, this is shit advice and unrealistic. To always remain positive would be deluded and some days wallowing is the right place to be and acknowledge that some days are going to be low days. I've never been good with uncertainty in any walk of my life - something as simple as whether to have chicken or beef for dinner unnerved me! So imagine how not knowing whether I have cancer in my lungs or not is impacting me.
So also today I began some counselling and CBT to help me move on and gain acceptance for what has happened to me. I like to think of myself as mentally strong, but I do need a helping hand sometimes. Times have changed and it was really very easy to self-refer without an appointment with my GP. So please, don't view this as a sign of weakness but more as a sign of strength. Judge if you will, I don't care! And if you or anyone near you could also benefit from support then don't be afraid to reach out.
As my birthday has sadly fallen on a Monday the celebrations have been relatively low key. Yesterday however, Stephen took me for a birthday meal at The Ivy in Marlow. We had a lovely time, Briony's table manners put me to shame and I can assure you that hibiscus gin and prosecco is a combination that everyone should try at least once in their lives. I'm starting to feel a lot more comfortable with my skinhead look and as we are now in full on summer have pretty much ditched the wigs. It's very liberating and is my way of starting to try and move on a little. I've convinced myself that I am some kind of pop star with a daring hair style. I certainly would never have chosen it, but there is something to be said for trying something crazy every so often. I'm almost beginning to like it and think it is quite cool and hip. Don't shatter my illusion!
Birthday aside, it's been a busy day - cancer has no idea it's my birthday so things continue....we are now on to week 2 of radiotherapy and it all feels like I have been doing it for years. Still no sign of side effects, perhaps except for a slight reddening of the area being treated. The usual routine with the ride over to Oxford and back. I was slightly nervous about my taxi driver who was busy relaying a story about how he thought he was going to loose his license because of penalty points. Really, some people don't have any idea what is appropriate to talk about and what isn't!
I also had a follow-up with my gastro consultant. Nothing much to report there, except that the latest blood test absolutely confirmed without a shadow of a doubt that it is Coeliac disease. For the test I had done the reference range was 0-10. Mine came back at 137. I did make a flippant comment that at least if I want to loose weight quickly I know how to do it. He didn't find it that funny and I received a stern telling off! Duly noted......
I'm starting to feel pretty good and really feel like I have turned a corner. I ran yesterday and today, albeit slowly and I'm finding the complimentary therapies really useful. Tomorrow I have reflexology.
So now feels like the right time to begin to change the focus from my physical healing to my mental healing. This is often a taboo subject, for reasons that I have to admit have always escaped me, hence why I feel it is important to write about it. Those of you who know me well know that I worked in the area of mental health for a couple of years and I firmly believe it is something we should all talk about a lot more. Ultimately, it's OK (and completely normal) to admit that you are not OK and sometimes need support. Our world is a complex and challenging one at times, let alone when dealing with something like this. My mental health has been pushed to the back of the queue for a while now, and as I start to hit the end of the acute treatment phase it is something that I acknowledge I have neglected, really because I simply haven't had the bandwidth to cope with it. I'll be honest, the mental side of all of this is far more difficult (for me) to come to terms with than the physical effects, which I know will disappear with time. But how do you live with not knowing if you are going to see your daughter grow up? Cancer messes with your head in so many different ways and to not acknowledge these would be to live in denial, which isn't healthy. Another pet hate is people telling me to "stay positive". Whilst well intentioned, this is shit advice and unrealistic. To always remain positive would be deluded and some days wallowing is the right place to be and acknowledge that some days are going to be low days. I've never been good with uncertainty in any walk of my life - something as simple as whether to have chicken or beef for dinner unnerved me! So imagine how not knowing whether I have cancer in my lungs or not is impacting me.So also today I began some counselling and CBT to help me move on and gain acceptance for what has happened to me. I like to think of myself as mentally strong, but I do need a helping hand sometimes. Times have changed and it was really very easy to self-refer without an appointment with my GP. So please, don't view this as a sign of weakness but more as a sign of strength. Judge if you will, I don't care! And if you or anyone near you could also benefit from support then don't be afraid to reach out.
All the best, Emma! I worked with you at Shield, and came across this blog recently while doing some research on the company. I wish you well, and am keeping my fingers crossed for you. Take care.
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