Time to take more control......

The biopsy results were back on Friday, earlier than expected. More unexpected news - there were 2 further tumours in the remainder of my breast that they took out on Monday. 1 was 10mm the other was 8mm. I still don't understand why these weren't seen on the MRI as they aren't exactly invisible at this size. This, I guess, is a question for the oncologist when I see him on Tuesday evening. It's on the list. On the positive side, the surgeon doesn't want to see me until November, when I will have my first of my now annual mammograms. Having read around it a bit, it would appear that these aren't that effective in women of my age, especially those with dense breasts, which apparently I have. This makes it harder to detect tumours. More on this later.

It would also appear that I can't reconstruct until at least a year after the radiotherapy is complete. Reading around, the general recommendation is 6-12 months.

I've undergone a bit of a mental change in the last few days and one which feels important. Actually, it may have started a week or so ago, but I don't think I was fully able to put my finger on it until this weekend. More about that in a minute.

In other news, its my colonoscopy and endoscopy tomorrow. I haven't been able to eat since this morning and have had to drink 2 litres of a pretty disgusting substance to completely clear my bowels for tomorrow. Whilst this hasn't been pleasant and shouldn't be on anyone's bucket list, it is necessary to ensure that they get good images of my bowel and upper GI system tomorrow to try and work out what is going on. It's just been another day of very frequent toilet trips, which to be be honest has been fairly normal for me for the last month in any case.

So thats it on the physical update. On the mental side, I think for the first time since I was diagnosed almost 6 months ago, I have started to accept the true reality of my situation and actually to embrace it. This has led to some important decisions. Firstly, I need to take a more active part in my treatment regime. Whilst I completely admire everything about the medical profession I feel that I need to be more involved in my treatment and to have more (some) say in some of the decisions that are being made. 2 recent examples spring to mind, firstly the surgery where I wanted a mastectomy to start with and secondly the conversation about stopping one of the drugs. This isn't about right or wrong at all, as I fully accept that there is no right and wrong in these situations. However, there is what I want to do and for me, its crucially important that I feel in the driving seat here, advised and guided appropriately. I don't blame anyone, I guess perhaps the consultants aren't used to someone wanting to be as involved as I do. I need it to be more of a partnership. I think I had sub-consciously already made this decision when I went to see the GP a little over a week ago to explore other reasons that might be causing my stomach issues without simply accepting my oncologist's opinion that it is one of the drugs.

The other mental shift has been more a reminder. About a year ago now I went on a course as part of our leadership team at work. We had had a number of new members to the team and as with all new teams were going through a bit of a storming and forming process. The course centred around a fundamental theory that we experience the world through our thinking. It looks at being inside out (recognising that what we are thinking and feeling inside impacts how we behave/act/think) versus outside in (external events shape our experience and therefore our lives and get is the way of us acting and making decisions from a point of clarity). I found this useful at work, but even more useful as I have revisited it in my new context.

As well as being more involved in my care, there are a couple of other key decisions I have made. I'm not quite ready to share these yet, but believe they can only be positive on this journey. I feel empowered, strong and ready to move forwards. To coin a phrase from one of the books I have been reading, I may have cancer, but it doesn't have me.

xxxx