Going for the hattrick........

The title of the post gives it away.........

Sadly the results of the biopsy from the second lumpectomy on Friday didn't go my way. We still didn't get clear margins. My surgeon said it was a surprise. You're telling me! On the positive side, I was at least considering it as an outcome this time, especially after my harsh learning from the first lumpectomy results.

I was offered 3 options:

• Do nothing 
• Another lumpectomy
• Mastectomy

I've gone for a mastectomy for a number of different reasons. Do nothing is never really an option for me and we've had 2 attempts at a lumpectomy and even with a third there is no guarantee that we will get it all. We are also getting very tight on time for Bognor (28th July) with the radiotherapy that I need to have done and typically we made the final payment last weekend, so we can't now cancel. It's also the principle of the thing. This has been in the diary for so long and I'm still determined to go.

So once again back to theatre we go, once again quite quickly. Tomorrow, which given I found out on Friday morning is pretty fast work.

How do I feel about it? Disappointed, frustrated and resolute. A wise person (the chemo nurse) told me not to focus on the past, but focus on the day at hand. It's difficult in this circumstance as I now wish I had pushed more for the mastectomy out of the blocks. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

We're all set. I don't need to be at the hospital until noon and then the op will be around 1.30pm. Unbelievably it is still a day case. I will leave with another drain (suggestions for a name this time please) from the area formerly known as my breast. The breast care nurse had a conversation with me after we'd decided on the mastectomy and said that she would bring me a "temporary prosthesis" on Monday. I couldn't for the life of me think what she was talking about so she had to explain. I don't know why but I hadn't even thought about that. I'm now wondering what a permanent prosthesis may be? Reconstruction comes further down the line to enable us to move onto radiotherapy as quickly as possible. All I could think was that I have recently bought 2 bikinis for Bognor as I was quite proud of my (admittedly chemo induced) svelte figure. Talk of the prosthesis really bought it home as I don't think mentally I had quite connected to the reality of it.

The seroma continues to be a pain and I had to have it drained again earlier in the week. They got another 250mls from it this time. It needs doing again tomorrow as well, although this time it is definitely smaller. My bet would be around 180mls.

To add insult to injury I have developed some rather unfortunate gastric issues. I'll leave you to work out the details, but suffice to say that it leaves me in fear of leaving the house at certain times of the day. Sadly, it seems particularly bad between 1 and 7am, which means that my sleep has been disrupted for about the last 3 weeks. It has also meant that I have lost more weight, to the point where I wouldn't look out of place in a third world country. I now look like a fully paid up member of the cancer club and I hate it. My oncologist thinks it is one of the 2 remaining drugs that I am on, but I am skeptical for a number of reasons. I've had these 2 drugs 8 times now and only started getting problems after the 7th time and problems starting at this point are very rare (to the point of not really being seen) and when they are seen are generally seen from the word go. My oncologist wants to stop the drug that he thinks is causing it. I've managed to resist this so far as it is the drug that doubles my survival chances at 5 years. He agreed to give it to me last week and see how I go. Ironically, the gastric issues are the worst thing I have experienced on this journey so far.

My GP referred me last week to a gastroenterologist to rule out any other potential causes. The gastro consultant called me on Friday having received the referral letter. He wanted to do a colonoscopy on Monday. I replied by saying that even for me a mastectomy and a colonoscopy of the same day was probably a little too much! He agreed, so I have that pleasure yet to come. I did smile at the thought of being double booked! To be honest I will be quite glad to have it done in an odd way as life is pretty miserable. In the back of my mind is always the horrible little thought that the cancer has progressed. My fellow cancer colleagues will understand this, sadly we attribute every little ache and pain to this little demon.

Cancer is by no means glamarous and the journey is long and takes it toll, on you and more importantly on those around you. Stephen and Briony have both been fabulous keeping me firmly routed and allowing me the rest that I need before tomorrow. Neither asked for any of this, but I am eternally grateful for their support and also that of my friends and broader family. All I would ask is that you stick with me on this marathon as I think we're all getting a bit bored of it now.