Hunker down.....

A quick update for you all.......

Well the CT scan on Friday didn't happen which put me in a really bad mood! Apparently there was some mix-up between the scan department and consultant on when it was due to happen. Unfortunately they didn't realise this until the needle had been put into me, which was a bit of a shame as I really don't like them putting it in. Never mind, all for good reason as the consultant wants to see the impact of cycle 3 on my lungs and given the CT was planned for the day after cycle 3 he didn't feel this was long enough, which seemed to be reasonable. I'm all for giving it as long as possible......

That said it did leave me in a bit of a grump on Friday, so I went back to bed so as not to inflict my grump on anyone else!

This cycle has left me very tired. I'm not sure if it's because of the GCSF. Even if it is, it's very welcome if it keeps me out of hospital. I'm also pleased to report that there has been no rash this time, which I guess is a good thing. My general tiredness may also be due to the fact that quite a few of the effects are cumulative, plus the slight lack of sleep prior to the cycle and also before the didn't-quite-happen CT scan. I have to say that I'm slightly irritated that all the side effects seem to hit at the weekend when I'd quite like to be spending time with Stephen and Briony rather than contemplating the insides of my eyelids! The same can be said for my hospital visits. Why can't these be during the week where actually I'm starting to get quite bored?

We've finally ordered a new treadmill which got delivered yesterday. Let's just say that Stephen will be spending the next few nights putting it together. He's even read the instructions so it must be complicated as in true man-fashion he would normally just wing it. Hopefully the advent of the new treadmill will mean that I no longer have to play a guessing game as to what speed the treadmill thinks I should be running as it has developed a mind of its own and seems to think it knows better than the user what speed said user should be running.

I'm coming to the end of my manic tidying of everything in the house, which no doubt Stephen is really quite pleased about. We have never had such order! I think I need to stop or I may start to think that sorting Briony's Lego into colours is a good idea. However, this does mean that as mentioned above I am actually quite bored. There are certain lows that I have promised myself I will not sink to (Jeremy Kyle being one of them) and I'm determined to stick to them. There is now nothing in our house that I want to E-bay, I've reviewed all my pensions (the irony of this and my current predicament is not lost on me), filed all my tax returns which date from the year 1999 (!), been in the loft to have a nose (disappointingly not much up there) and planned the redecoration of at least one room. I'm just not used to not having structure to my day or being busy!

Running has not been possible currently due to the general levels of tiredness, so I decided to head out for a walk yesterday, really just for a change of scenery. It was lovely and very quiet and peaceful. I think this could maybe become my new way of occupying my time.....

Briony continues to be a little trooper, although did have a rite of passage event when she came home from school yesterday. She was reading to me when I suddenly noticed that she had developed a rather uneven, blunt fringe over the course of the day. She burst into tears when I mentioned it - apparently her and one of her friends had engaged in a bit of DIY hair-cutting during one of the lessons at school. She did say it was fine because it grows back quicker when you cut it. I did feel a bit of a hypocrite saying that she shouldn't be cutting her own hair and realised I didn't have a good answer if she responded with "Well you cut yours". Luckily she thought better of it! Made me smile all the same though.

Today was a beautiful day weather wise, so after a bit of life-admin (when did I find time to do all this stuff when I was in full-time employment?) I decided on another walk whilst the cleaner was busy cleaning our already very clean house (another consequence of me having too much time on my hands). Wendover Woods was today's location. The Firecrest trail. For those of you interested, the Firecrest is apparently the UK's smallest bird at 9cm long. I've been meaning to go there for a while. It was lovely - very quiet and peaceful. The only thing missing was a Firecrest, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. Perhaps it is the wrong time of year. The temperature was more like a spring day, which was unfortunate as I had gone out dressed for Artic weather so ended up lugging my coat most of the way round. Because there were so few people around I also took of my bobble hat and found it intensely liberating to have nothing on my head. Sadly I forgot about this when I got back to the cafe and got a few odd looks. I was tempted to put my hat back on, but in the end decided that it was other people's problem if they didn't like it, not mine. I'm not going to apologise for all of this - it is the reality of my situation and if it helps with awareness and people discussing a taboo subject then that must be a good thing.

 And so we are heading now into the danger-zone  - the week where my neutrophils are likely to be at their lowest. I've cleared the house of everything that could cause a slight risk (the only exception has been Briony's hamster which seems a step too far even for me). We are now living in a sterile bubble where I am following everything/everyone around with an anti-bacterial wipe! Food is all beige and cooked to within an inch of its life, best before dates are strictly adhered to, take-aways banned (no real hardship there), flowers have been banished and the most stringent dentist in the world would be proud of my mouth-care! It may all seem extreme, but I want to feel that I have done everything I possibly can to keep myself away from the delights of Stoke Mandeville.

In line with this, I have a confession. I have developed a pathological fear. Not of cancer, that would be far too rational, logical and easily explained. No, the source of my torment is none other than the innocuous thermometer. This evil little device now governs my daily moves and determines my fate. Worse still is the verdict of whether it will give me one beep (no temperature) or two beeps (temperature) when stuck in my ear. The whole situation isn't helped by the fact that typically I seem to be one of the population who usually runs at a slightly higher temperature than the norm. This means I have less margin before we are off to Stoke Mandeville. Over the course of the last cycles I have learned that there are coping strategies. For example, my wig seems to give me a higher temperature by about 0.5 degrees, hats and other head attire still raise it but to a lesser extent. Baths raise it by almost a degree (OK so I like them skin-scorchingly hot) and my temperature always seems to peak at around 6-8pm in the evening. You can tell I'm a scientist by training! I even have an app to record it all!

Not sure if it a proven thing, but I have to say that my spatial awareness has taken a turn for the worse.  Apparently chemo brain is a thing, not sure if this is a known side effect - I'm not going to bother looking it up as I'm sure somewhere on the internet it will be a known reported side effect. Let's just say that the alloys on my car are acutely aware of this new development. Twice on Saturday alone, plus numerous attempts at parking. Now I may be female, but this is never a problem I have suffered from previously. I've also started developing weird cramps at very specific times of the day and night! Calf cramp with frustrating regularity at about 5.30am (around 15 minutes before Stephen's alarm goes off) and oddly finger cramp, very specifically in the index finger of my left hand at around 7 in the evening. One to mention the next I see the Consultant...

And so I will go off and hide myself away. Assume no news is good news......