Bloody amazing drugs, bloody lungs and ice-cream....

I think I may have scared people with my previous post! I promise that wasn't my intention and I'm honestly OK with it, or as OK as you can be. I've spent most of my life proving stats wrong and intend to continue doing so!

The last couple of weeks have been relatively OK. I did feel quite sick for almost a week after the last chemo, but then woke on day 7 and it was like switch had been flicked and I was absolutely starving! I think Briony wondered what was going on when I was on my third bowl of porridge (I felt a bit like goldilocks). Little did she know that when I got back from dropping her off at school I then moved on to crumpets and ate 6 in relatively quick succession all dripping with strawberry jam and butter. I had dropped 2kg in a week because of not wanting to eat and other side effects of the chemo, so had some catching up to do!

Because I was feeling fairly well after the switch had flicked I have managed to go back to pretty much a normal life in the last couple of weeks. We've also had a couple of shows of Brionys to attend which I have managed to get to. Firstly a stagecoach performance where she was a pirate and then the school dance show. No photos from the dance show, but there was a photo of her in full-on pirate mode. I've also managed a couple of walks with the Mum's from Briony's school, some of whom are in training for a moon walk in September. It's been quite muddy so some walks have been really quite difficult due to the vast amount of mud on the bottom of our boots!

A natural progression has happened with friends that I am pleased about. We actually meet up and talk about something other than the big C. I find this a blessed relief as I'm certainly bored of it.....I also wanted to clarify that it is absolutely OK to tell me about the woes and daily complaints/illnesses in your own lives, without then apologising to me! I can honestly say that apart from a few days each cycle I have had colds prior to all this that have made me feel worse! Without wanting to subject myself to a barrage of abuse the side effects have not been as bad as I thought they would be. That's not to say the side effects aren't there, they are. Perhaps I had thought it would be worse because there is a lot of negativity and fear surrounding all of this. Or perhaps it is just because I have been lucky. Either way, I don't want to upset people who haven't had it as easy as me. But I am grateful.

One particular comment that did make me smile was from an old work colleague (you know who you are) who commented that it was a bloody good job that I had got rid of my old (convertible car). This was uttered as we were walking down a particularly windy street where I did feel the need to keep hold of my wig. Made me smile, thank you!

I've also taken some me time and had a particularly lovely spa day at Stoke Park with Claire. It was at the weekend when it was snowing, so we did enjoy sitting in the outdoor hot-tub having sprinted across the garden area in out robes and swimming costumes. I'm sure we made record time!

Also particularly lovely was catching up with Jude who moved to the US a couple of years ago and was over for a fleeting 24 hour visit. She was somewhat sleepy having taken double the recommended dose of her sleeping tablet accidentally on the flight over. Honestly, the pharmacy profession of which she is part of should completely disown her. We went to The Ivy in Marlow with a couple of other friends where I had probably the most amazing dessert I have ever had - a gold sprinkled chocolate bombe filled with ice cream, honeycomb and popping candy. They then pour a hot salted caramel sauce over the top which causes the chocolate casing to melt and pop. Try it - it's amazing. It did remind me a bit of a breast and nipple, but perhaps that is just subliminal messaging on my part.

 So back to the cancer related stuff (if we have to). I had an MRI on Friday last week, which was needed for 2 appointments yesterday. 1 with the surgeon and 1 with my oncologist. The MRI itself was fine as me and it now feel like old friends who have been through a lot together. Luckily just a breast MRI. I definitely wouldn't have felt the same way if it were another brain one, You can keep those. Even the random noises were vaguely reassuring and familiar.

However, the time in-between the scan and when I find out the results is a completely different matter. In this period the insomnia is back. Others have labelled it "scanxiety" and I can absolutely see why. That fear that is always in the back of your mind rears it's ugly head and grows arms and legs and runs off screaming with your imagination. So I was grateful for the relatively short period between the scan and the reporting of the results.

So what did they say? I saw the surgeon first yesterday morning. I hadn't realised but he is the same surgeon who operated on Beverley Craven a few years ago. So that's reassuring (I think). Good news on the MRI. It showed that, unbelievably, the tumour which was initially sized as 5.5cm back in November is now (drum-roll) 1mm! That is clearly amazing news and thank god for the drugs which have clearly done their job. They have also cleared whatever was in my lymph nodes as the MRI showed nothing there now either.

Our thoughts then naturally turned to surgery. Then he bowled the curved ball (there's always one with me). He said that what happens next all depends on the situation with my lungs. Essentially, he wasn't happy to operate until there was more evidence about my lungs as there is no benefit in operating if it has already spread. It's like shutting the door after the horse has bolted as you are removing the primary tumour to reduce the risk of it spreading. So we had a discussion about my lungs. Again. Still no conclusions reached. It would appear that we are now talking about differences in clinical opinion as there are no further tests that can be done to say one way or the other. We are in a period of watchful waiting to see what happens. He said that he had scheduled my case for the multi-disciplinary meeting that lunchtime. This is a meeting where all the different specialists/nurses/allied professions involved in cancer care meet and discuss their patients. My oncologist was also going to be there and as we were seeing him later in the day he would inform us of the decision that had been made.

I have to admit I was disappointed. To give you an idea of where my head was at I had had a discussion with a number of friends the previous evening about whether to go a single or double mastectomy as I had been reading the terms of my health insurance and read that they would cover a double if that was my choice. So a bit of a climb down to hear that they may not operate. And then the psychological challenge of me knowing that if they didn't operate it's an admission that they are more certain than not that it is definitely in my lungs.

So we had a few hours to waste as the oncologist appointment was in the evening. I went for a walk to try and reset and also to focus on the quite frankly bloody amazing news of how small the tumour now was. It was a lovely day which helped. Briony had asked to come with us to the appointment in the evening, which the oncologist had said from the outset he was happy with. She had some questions she wanted to ask and also had been feeling a bit left out and we wanted to involve her. This lightened the tension and the oncologist was really good with her. The questions were:
- How long would I be in hospital?(Answer: If they decided to do an operation then I would be in as a day-case or perhaps overnight. Slightly disappointing as I had visions of me lazing around for a bit longer than that)
- Could she come and visit me? (Yes)
- She'd heard my hair might grow back a different colour and was worried that my eyebrows may then not match the colour of my hair, so would all my eyebrows then fall out and grow back a different colour? (I'm not sure we reached a natural conclusion on this one)
- Could I still eat ice-cream after the operation? (Yes, but only if it was my favourite flavour. Salted caramel if you need to know :-))
- Did the oncologist like the surgeon? Were they friends and did they play together? (Apparently they do get on fairly well. I'm not sure it extends to play-dates)

Then down to business while Briony read a travel book on Miami (her pick from home)!

The results of the MRI were reiterated and the general positivity around this discussed. Then the surgery question. On balance, it was felt that if I wanted it, surgery was the right thing to do. As expected, there had still been no firm conclusions about my lungs at the meeting earlier that day. It had been agreed that they wanted to refer me to a lung specialist to get another opinion. We have been warned that this is unlikely to give any further certainty, but I think that everyone will just feel a lot more comfortable if they have a lung specialist's opinion, even if it is inconclusive. Surgery will therefore go ahead in 3-4 weeks time. They will also take all the lymph nodes in my left armpit, which isn't without its risks both short and long-term, hence the surgeon's initial reluctance. I don't have a date for either surgery or the lung specialist yet; their secretaries will ring me in the next couple of days and we will get these booked in. The lung specialist may not even want to see me and may just review the scans to date as realistically there isn't anything more that I can tell him as I never even knew they were there, nor do I have any symptoms from them. We still can't get our heads around how the lymph nodes and breast tumour have responded so well to treatment yet the lungs haven't. All will come out in the mysteries of time I guess.

So last chemo tomorrow (although 2 of the drugs do continue every 3 weeks until I have had a full year of treatment. I'm off to complete the all important shoe choice......